Changing Seasons of My Heart
Since the sowing of this matrix space, I have been thoughtfully considering the process of life's ever-changing ways, all of which has overcome me in what the old me would have called an unfathomable pace – a pace that I could not have imagined surviving before I allowed myself to accelerate… Like the cycle of the Sun that travels across angelic shades of blue daylight skies, to the Moon that sweeps across indigo shadows over the night, we experience Life’s constant moving change. I have learned that the sooner I can accept change with grace and gratitude, the easier it is to move into the evolution of true happiness of what life has to offer in this moment.
Whom among you are already familiar with your karmic lessons in this life? If you understand karmic lessons, then you understand that breaking karmic patterns is not an easy task to follow through with. In a nutshell, part of my destiny from the time of my invitation into enlightenment, is to be a positive living example. I am asked to be honest with myself and open with others through sharing my personal school of life... This creative spiritual outlet was guided in order for me to fulfill my soul purpose here on earth. Typically, I am a very private person who enjoys her hermitude, yet I treasure family and close friendship. My perfect setting would be a far, far, far away cave, not too far from a Target or local beauty supply chain because this Taurean Venus likes to be clean and to eat thin mint Oreo cookies, but far away enough where I can be in solitude praying for world peace and harmony. Somewhere secluded and natural, surrounded by Gaia’s ancient secret echoes of how to attain illumination - spiritual perfection in a world of imperfect physical material illusion.
When I hit 33, I was angelically guided to do the work I was created for before my final exit call to eternity. I am encouraged by the Universe to fulfill my life's divine soul mission as a spiritual creative vessel – to now be the bridge I was created to be, a bridge that balances existence between the physical material world and the endless unseen world. Part of my mission, I have found, is to be happy, to celebrate all the beauties this plane has to bare before my body expires from this final incarnation. So here I am, sharing with those of you that grace me with your divine presence the stories of the experiences that make me the woman I am thankful to be at present.
Around the time I was about 22 years old, I found myself living in Monterey, California, with my husband and our only son at the time, Tristan. Our marriage of what was then four years had taken its toll on me and I began to again embrace the idea that slipping into my six-foot death hole would be much better than this – better than the marriage I had signed my name, my youth, and my sanity over to through the words, "I do."
When I love, I love for the long haul. I am stubborn in love, in the vows that I make, in my loyalty, and with my heart. I give everything and all of me faithfully to the one that I choose to love – no matter the price – “until death do us part.” In my past, I had constantly toyed with the seduction of death in times of susceptibility… Death had always lingered around me. It was radical death after radical death, funeral after funeral in my childhood. I had experienced indirect trauma that led me to cutting and hanging attempts at age seven. But that's another story...
In my fragile state of mind, the ironic idea that I would rather break in death than submit in defeat by ending my marriage made heroic sense to me. I have a tendency to not give up in every sense of the word. Not giving up was the survival instinct that kept me alive through the terrors of childhood. I could not give up on the little girl from the ranch of horror; I could not give up on my marriage; I could not give up to death. I learned between the times of long contemplation that death is too easy an exit for me to take. Too easy because I do not fear death; it is the human experience of delusion that can seem too real to endure. The real challenge is showing up. If I could not give up, then the alternative was to keep going. I kept going in my vows and I kept going in my marriage not because of the person to whom I was married, but because I honored my vows like a Viking.
As much as I loved the boy before me, my inner guidance was NOT to marry the dude or I would live what I reap of what he had sown. I tried. I tried so hard to listen to my intuition at the tender age of 14 when we first met. All the signs were there, but my other survival instinct was to be hopeful in the good of people. I remember my inner voice chuckle at the irony of our first date. He took me out to the movies. I did not know beforehand what show was planned, I almost turned back around to the car as I read in bright lights: "Fools Rush In". But like a curious cat, I explored this mystery. I was suckered in by romance, by all the flowers, candies, grams, and poetic handwritten love letters. He proposed a promise ring to me at 15, and by 16, this rebellious curious cat got swollen with a live growing belly.
After I graduated high school, the boy joined the service, we moved away from my tiny Pacific island home, and eloped in the wine country of Napa Valley. I was adamant that, at age 18, we did not need to conform to societal expectations of marriage because we had a child together. I was all like, “Let's just put flowers in our hair, dance barefoot, be together, go with the flow, and see where it goes,” staying true to my boho-hippie-gypsy nature. I wanted him to continue college as I worked, and take things into consideration before rushing into a drastic haste. The news of him jumping into the service was a shocking blow, a decision he made without considering us. I was left with two choices: I could either break up with him or accept what was. He made a compelling case of how marriage was the only way for us to be together after signing into the service, that it was a way to improve our lives… I admit that with enough suffocating persistence and persuasion, I bent to the fold and married the boy.
After my spouse joined the service, and less than six months into our marriage, I had experienced an unfortunate event. I was pressured into making a decision at 19. A cross that only I would bare, a cross that left me reeling in a shipwreck of despair. The change immediately following our union spread and festered as he continued to feel comfortable with the idea that I was legally bound to him. He became increasingly complacent in our lives, yet all about keeping up appearances to the outside world. What seemed like petty annoyances here and there in the beginning - the little things I shrugged off as boys maturing slower than girls - turned out to be his true colors rising to the surface of what was only a mirage of cool steady waters. It was one elaborate scheme after another, a powerful orchestra of deception, manipulation, and trickery in order to control things to flow in the desired direction of his ego.
Amidst the years of heaping doses of crazy lies after crazy lies reliably fed to me and burdened by forsaken misdeeds forced upon me, I sunk into eerie moments of hopeless, loathing darkness, smothered by the pain of endless lies and scary shadows that had cast over the glory skies of a once innocent sweetheart love for a Scorpio Venus boy – the unyielding blade of my dying flicker of light.
On the white sands of Del Monte Beach in Monterey, I watched a school of dolphins weave above and below the oceanic horizon in between sets of the sun’s mesmerizing reflection of ripples ablaze. I found enough light left in me and chased away the thought of a grim walk into the forever sea. Prayer had been the most important survival tool growing up in a lonely household of chaos. So I prayed and prayed with whispered breath. I spoke of my shameful desires to flee from a marriage held hostage by misery, and with timid guilt, I asked what true love was, and if there was a piece reserved for me. Mother Sea Breeze stroked my cheeks. "Choose positive, helpful, hopeful ways to be,” immediately followed by, "Ooh, a puppy!"
After doing my homework, we took a day trip to a farm in Hollister Hills in the spring of 2005 and adopted a fluffy blue-eyed, blue merle Australian Shepherd puppy I called Sonny. I chose to spell his name S-O-N-N-Y instead of S-U-N-N-Y because, in my heart, he was my adopted son. My marriage, at the time that I had adopted Sonny, was so filled with intense high emotions due to my spouse's extravagant sociopathic charades that I decided not to allow myself to bring another life into the world knowing the kind of person I would be sharing parental responsibility with. Sonny was the first time I allowed myself to be a mother again. He was the most beautiful happy memory since the day I welcomed Tristan into my life in 1999. Sonny was the only family Tristan and I had in the world.
Tristan had just begun kindergarten and Sonny gave me something to look forward to while Tristan was at school. In the mornings, Sonny and I would take our early beach walks, nap, play, get our boy from school, and do whatever our busy bodies wanted to do the rest of the day. Though Sonny didn't have a tail (he was my tail), he managed to express his happiness through shaking his entire body. We went to puppy school together in Carmel-by-the-Sea, and I remember he was the most studious of the bunch. He was always ready to prance up a show for everyone to watch. He knew all the commands like a star, and when he was not thoroughly impressing the puppy-parent-trainer (because she trained humans to train their puppies) and the other puppy owners, he would play with his best classmate, a big white Great Pyrenees puppy, who was much too big to play with the other mostly small breed puppies. Ah, good times.
When Sonny came into my life, I began to feel like a good person again. The pains of my past became a shattered shadow scar. An ugly memory warded off by the light Sonny shined for me. In the time span of Sonny’s four years, I learned that I was capable of loving again. Scorpio V promised that he would do right by me so I chose to forgive the hurt that I had carried, opened my heart, and let myself close to him again. In a short time after that, by 2009, Sonny knew I was pregnant. He would sniff and huff at my belly before resting his sleepy face on his expectant littermate. Out of curiosity… I took a test and sure enough, Sonny’s intuition was keen. I had something baking in the oven.
My husband always knew the right buttons to press in order to get a reaction out of me. He was the only person on this earth that could get me fuming mad and off my rockers like a rabid beast. I hated it. I hated who I had become after reacting horribly. One day after an argument, I ran to a corner and curled up in fetal position. Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. Scorpio V came up to me to apologize, begging for another chance (I stopped counting the number of chances given many years ago). I looked up and said, "This is not a good relationship. It can’t be, right? I should love who I am when I'm with you. Shouldn’t we bring out the best in each other? I am tired, aren’t you?" Sonny came heavily plopping between us establishing a doggie fence. It was at that moment of exchange and Sonny's intervention that I realized how happy, loving, and bright I could be when I was with Tristan, or with Sonny, or with my friends, and with everybody else… What was different about my husband, what was it about him that brought out the most horrid aspects of myself? I had rattled my brain countless times before that ah-hah moment, asking the Universe, begging God for answers… What was it about ME that kept me steadfast by the side of such a batty man? How could I break free?
You hear me bring up my Taurean Venus (TV) aspect right? From the time a stranger’s hand slapped these bare butt cheeks in an attempt to stimulate fresh lungs to channel and fill with the life breath of earth’s atmosphere, my little TV had only known neglect and inferiority. Hidden and locked away, TV remained guised in the mask of a brave girl. I was a foolishly brave girl with no parental guidance - I did what young, naïve, reckless girls do too early that would majorly mark the next cycles of experiences with the hard knocks of life. Fast forward... At such a tender age with Sonny by my side, I found myself spending time researching ways to save my marriage, how to be a better wife and mother - I looked up reasons and theories of why spouses lie, how to identify whether I was married to a psychopath or pathological liar, and what characteristics set each case apart. What more could I do to understand this silent, secretive, dark being and could we reach a place to continue coexisting in marriage? Were my goals realistic? We were like oil and water. I wanted him to let me in and he resisted, I wanted honesty and he was VERY NOT honest, my word was my honor and his words were like water falling through my fingers (there's nothing of substance to hold), I was all about family and his focus was the attainment of high status at work with other people and organizations, I was all about giving while he found fulfillment in taking and taking, I sought healthy amounts of community-socializing-communication and balance while his favorite hobby was complete isolation, utter turmoil, and being an inanimate ornament - I could go on and on with a long list of boring trivialities, but the point is made. After much repeated exhausted efforts, I was disappointed to have learned how rampant such behavior was and quite possibly the normal accepted standards of society. Well all that time invested sucked, so I decided to spend my efforts going forward training myself how to communicate with my canine best friend Sonny. It was the first time in so long that I felt like I could do something right in my life. We bonded like I had never bonded with a dog before. Sonny got me through the constant tough times by providing me with a healthy distraction that nourished what was taken from me by the hands of my toxic love with a Scorpion Venus Man.
As the years came and went, I progressed towards a spiritually well rounded life for comfort and strength. I did the spiritual work guided me by my Angels, to expand my spiritual awareness into awakening and into enlightenment. By my faith, I was guided to spend my time in study, to pick something of interest to me. My Angels guided me towards the direction of my many natural talents - Astrology and Numerology being a couple of the abilities gifted as tools to support me on this human journey. I was reminded of how throughout my life, I had always been drawn to astrology and numbers, and as I delved deeper into the subjects, I was astounded to see how through Astrology and Numerology, I was finally getting somewhere with finding the answers to all the moments I had entertained myself with numerous lengthy ponders and queries of what it was exactly about “ME”, that held me hostage to a person completely opposite my personality. The knowledge and wisdom of the Universe imparted me by meditation, has gained me clarity to the ticks and tocks of human tendencies, patterns, and behaviors. I learned how to deal with relationships and situations in all areas of my life. I took it upon myself to make it my goal to break free from all Karmic Patterns so that I may ascend into a higher state of consciousness and to show my gratitude and commitment to the Angels for affording me a higher perspective beyond human logic. The Angelic Realm’s support carried me through dark storms, but I was warned to be careful for what I wish for and to prepare myself to undergo much needed, long awaited change. Upheaval was coming in order to break me free from iron chains of human delusion so that I may float gently above the waves of infinite spiritual expansion.
My astrological and numerology studies taught me that my Taurean Venus eluded me in the recesses of the 12th House, the House of Spirit and what some see as the prison of our charts. This Taurean Venus is a stubborn love drunk monkey; she is my scared fragile beautiful inner child that has been conditioned to ignore her own power and worth. Then there’s naughty Aquarius Moon in the House of Scorpio that just loves danger, sex, taboo, and Scorpion Venuses. During my inner journey, I was not surprised to learn that my husband is a Scorpion Venus – Taurean Venus and Scorpion Venus are complete polarities, and like opposites, polarities attract. From the instant we laid eyes on one another, the physical, sexual magnetic attraction got us humping like there was no mañana.
This Scorpion Venus, was always exhilaratingly romantic, and passionate in his eagerness to please my Taurean Venus's sensual sexual side. He knew all the ways, the where and the how-to's to turn me into putty, and mold me between his fingers... I quite lavished in the sweetness of it before lies shrouded the weave that fate had bounded us. Laced in lies, he kept me strung by a transfixed cobra gaze, as though he relished in the turmoil of our fights and the sexual ravage that steamed from the cauldron immediately after. Ugh, and like a crazy Aquarius-Moon-Scorpio-Bitch, I hated it and liked it all the same. Stuck in a pit, I convinced myself over the years that what is placed before me is the only state of our marriage and the entire picture of my life… I trapped myself in self-limiting ideas that confined me to nothing more than below mediocrity. It’s my fault after all, right? I had asked for interaction in any way he could give me and sex was the only way I could find him. I felt sick and dirty. The acts felt like a ratchet porn movie belittling and damaging my soul. How little did I love myself that I could hand over my body, my sacred vessel, my value over like a piece of ass? How many times must I make myself cry as parts of me died knowing that it was lust that had touched me and not the grace of his love for me? It was the invisible force that drew us together in the beginning, but it was my once blind ego that kept me continually trapped in a delusion of physical bondage.
Scorpio V's chase for status, position, success was a battle and conflict in our marriage that raged over 19 years. For 19 years, we lived in chaos, moving roughly over 23 times in that time span as he let his ego run unchecked and fled from his mistakes. Each of those times, I was by his side packing and unpacking, packing and unpacking, packing and unpacking. My breaking points were during my pregnancies with Jaxon and Kingston. I found myself in the midst of fighting for Jaxon's and my life. There was so much crazy stress surrounding me and as I carried the pain within, my body began to take its toll. I was scared to bring a baby in this world knowing what turmoil Scorpio V brings into mine and Tristan's. I learned in that pregnancy with Jaxon that I had placenta previa, a rare complication occurring in just half of one percent of all pregnancies. The doctor recommended walking to hopefully move the placenta from the cervix in time for Jaxon’s expected delivery date, so I walked and walked with Sonny despite immense pain and edema. The placenta did move slightly, leaving a sliver of hope I could possibly give birth naturally. Now all Jaxon needed to do was announce he was ready to make his mark on the world. About almost two weeks past my due date, I woke to a fever and an unusual amount of bleeding. My doctor had me admitted. While at the hospital they induced me into labor and for 22 hours I rode out the pain. Finally, my doctor recommended we break my water to see if that would encourage my body to begin the process. Within minutes of her leaving the room, an alarm sounded off as a team of nurses ran by my side urgently directing me to turn over “NOW, NOW, NOW” as they wheeled me into the emergency operation room with several other doctors rushing to cut me open... Apparently after the water broke, the umbilical cord had noosed itself around Jaxon's neck. I remember tucking my head towards my chest silently whispering to Jaxon that he will be ok whilst crying and praying over and over again for his life. I begged God to take me instead and let my baby live. I closed my eyes and let go into my faith... The team of doctors and nurses were a godsend: Jaxon made it. I cherished this little boy as I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star every second he laid in my arms as I watched him sleep. Everyone would comment how surprised they were that I was in such happy spirits and recovering so well after what I had endured only hours before; they all thought they would lose us both. One nurse proceeded to compare me to the lady next door who was full of complaints and whining about pain after having a natural delivery, but I knew I was given a miracle and that was a joyous reason to sing.
My happiness was short lived as I eventually sunk into worry, Scorpio V strategically decided to wait to tell me he had lost his job until after the entire ordeal. I found myself in between packing and unpacking the day after I left the hospital and on the road with fresh stitches and an eight day old infant. I was always feeling ill, fatigued, and in pain constantly. By the time Jaxon was a year old, I was diagnosed with Leptospirosis, a high white blood cell count which indicated I was fighting off an infection. After many tests, they still had no clue what infection my body was fighting against. I was told to let my body do its thing and the high white blood cell count would level itself out. A couple years later we were in between another move, I was eight months pregnant with Kingston at the time. Scorpio V drove us from Seattle to the San Francisco Bay Area with as little breaks as possible and when that job fell through within the month of our arrival, he drove us down to San Diego... And when that fell through within a week, we went from San Diego back to Seattle, all while I was nearing my due date with Kingston. I was miserable, constantly in tears, begging for him to stop dragging us around like luggage through a whirlwind of grief. I hoped and hoped he would get us out of living in a hotel and into a decent place before Kingston was ready to come out into the world, but no, what I wanted and what was better for our boys was of little concern than his desires for a high position with a high salary he could feel proud of. He waited and played out his game.
Sandwiched in a heap of mess, I was left little time to care for myself or my pregnancy, but Kingston was amped to come out to greet his new family. However, before that could happen I had to sign off waivers of liabilities in between labor pains should I die in delivery. With all the moving, I had missed vital prenatal care and check-ups - there was a high risk that Kingston and I would not survive a natural birth after my experience with Jaxon. The hospital had no records for me and needed to protect itself. They insisted on another caesarean, but I remembered my doctor in California saying that I was looking good for a natural birth. Plus, I had concerns of the impacts another surgery could have on my already compromised immune system. Somehow, I intuitively knew that Kingston would arrive naturally, I closed my eyes in prayer and put my faith in God's hands once again. Kingston was a ray of sunshine in dark hours, I knew I loved him through eternity like his brothers before him. We all went back to the hotel for a time, then moved into another place for a couple months before moving again twice more... The boys and I were never given the opportunity to stay anywhere long enough to feel a sense of safety, friendship, and community.
My invisibility to Scorpio V was the norm until it was either supper or bedroom time – that was the sum of my self-worth, a warm body to take out in his free time, to cook, to clean, to care for the children, to manage the household, and to upkeep his shiny trophy for times of pleasure. I was no one to him until clock-out time came to pass when he could hang his hat from exhaustingly focusing every drop of energy on a full day of attaining power and position. Alas, along the years of our marriage I was depleted of all ideas of self-respect, I tossed that nonsense over the edge of a cliff and burrowed my spirit into a pool of suppressed emotions in order to please someone that did not fully recognize my devotion.
In 2013, I began to feel even more ill. A butterfly rash had flared across my eyes and cheeks. Turns out that rather than improving, the Leptospirosis condition elevated five times higher. My organs were inflamed and after blood panels, hematologist visits, and numerous other hospital tests and visits, I was pre-diagnosed with Lupus. There was no logical explanation because I otherwise appeared healthy externally; besides the red butterfly rash that occupied 89% of my face, the swelling edema, and inflamed organs, I was completely healthy, haha! I was put on a series of prednisone and when they would take me off the regimen the rash would come back. That was a year of my life and what was to be my life going forward until I said, "Fuck it." There was no point going in constantly for tests because they couldn't figure out what the heck form of Lupus was affecting me. They wouldn't be able to unless I waited for all my organs to fail so that they could run more definitive tests. Yeah right! No thanks, I said, “No more.” I went home and sat in silence knowing that my illness was rooted in my unhappiness. Scorpio V came to me with attempts of comfort as I looked into the abyss of my life. I looked up in acceptance with the words, "Well, I always wanted to die. Maybe this is my time."
My higher self would not have it. That following night I had a prophetic dream and woke up with the motivation to live, to live for myself, for my boys, and for Sonny. I turned to my faith once more. My body was telling me something, all I needed to do was listen to the signs. How do I listen to my body? Where do I begin to start? I asked God, the Universe, and my Angels, "Help me save myself."
When I was eight years old, I asked the Lord where I would be when I grow up. I grabbed an encyclopedia, opened to my favorite page and stuck out my finger as I let go of all control. An energy held me and guided my finger across the map and as it rested, I opened my eyes to my index finger resting on Colorado. All through our marriage I had asked for us to let Colorado be our home, but Scorpio V was not having it. However by divine intervention, in September 2013, he had put his resume online and somehow a recruiter from Colorado came across it which was odd because Colorado was not on his radar. Looked like another round of upheaval was on the menu and the special of the day: one more giant move towards my long awaited divine soul mission. Our arrival to a house in Colorado was the first chapter of my entry into the metaphysical world, but that’s another story. It’s a good one!
In December 2015, as I am sure you have sensed by my previous posts, I went through a rather tumultuous experience; this experience was similar to what had happened in 2007 that forced me to cut my Sydney trip short and head back to California. A year before, in December 30, 2014, I had cautioned my husband that I felt 2015 was the determining year, the final year where all his chances are up. I was open about him not being my Twin Flame and that the Universe had made me aware that a new Soul Union was in the stars for me. I told him that I asked the Universe to give him 2015 to try and manifest into the perfect love that reflects me and that reflects us beautifully. I proceeded to tell him where I was headed in my life. I welcomed him to accompany me for the remainder of my spiritual journey as my husband, but he would be faced with challenges that would decide where we go from here and what we would be when it was to pass. I was rooting for him to win, all our life together I have always cheered him on. It was my goal to stay married, to go together, to go far, to be a family throughout this lifetime. I used every tool available to support him and us on this journey.
Scorpio V was faced with many tests from the Universe, tests he could not pass because his ability to be honest was nonexistent. December 2015 was his final test to see whether he had chosen to manifest into the love I deserve by making the conscious choice to come clean to me about something he’s been hiding for the past two years. Previously, I had decided to stop my Twin Flame work half way through 2015, because I took notice of the signs – signs that he was constantly flailing in his actions and motivations. He would be good for a short while and revert back to old patterns. There were clear signs that due to him not putting in equal work, that he would not manifest as the love I deserve and that the Universe was stepping in by aligning me with a different suitor; my undying love. Although I stopped the energetic work on my end, everything has already been set in motion, and soon this too shall reveal itself.
SV’s choice instead, was to design a beautiful web of lies that spun me and the boys every which direction of horrible imagined. Still, I chose to be present during his time of need, I prayed for him to return home to us and asked my Angels to take my karmic credit on his behalf; he would need all the karmic credit I could give. They answered my prayers with miracles and upon the week of his return, it was time for me to make good on the promise I had made to myself on October 23, 2014 - I had promised then, "God's Will, not my will."
Following the celestial guidance I had been given, I told SV that it was the time I have warned him of for many years. Time to collect on a promise for divorce. And like always, he tried to talk me out of it as he had numerous times before quite successfully. Unfortunately for him, throughout 2014, I had worked up the ability to be untouched and unaffected by external factors and projections; SV’s powers of politics, of manipulation and mindfucking had no effect on me any longer. The wisdom I have gained throughout my spiritual journey has pulled off the sheets from my eyes, the veil of false appearances. I have given 19 years of my life in service to him and to the vows of our marriage. I have lived my life for someone else for far too long, but presently, I choose to say, “No.” I will not give up another 19 years of my life not being honest with myself about what I truly want and what I truly deserve. I have grown to understand that I cannot expect SV to be honest and transparent with me because he cannot be honest and true with himself. A marriage is based on trust, on faith, on love, I am worthy of it all. I am.
SV could not and cannot fulfill what is healthy, happy, and balanced for me, not in the past and not today. It is clear as day, living a healthy, happy, balanced state of being is too much to ask of him. I cannot anymore. I am depleted. I know how things start with him and I know how it will end – he will be happy in the future if he makes good decisions, but not with me. I choose to live a healthy, happy, balanced life celebrating my spiritual and creative talents, skills, and abilities. I choose to live my life celebrating motherhood, friends, love, and community. I choose to cherish those and the things I value and that value me. I let SV be. Now, I allow myself to embrace my innocence and play. I will no longer compromise my self-worth, my self-respect, and my heart. I sever the karmic ties that once threaded us, I unbound the iron chains that had me drowning. I step onto the crossroads, walk on the black railroads, standing in own my power, letting myself live to the fullest. This is the time for me to take my own advice – sometimes we have to let go, to let people grow.
Yes I am letting go, but I am not giving up. I am not giving up on this girl by letting her continue to give up everything of her. This is not a time for her to be alone, but a time of harmony in all of her partnerships. I have created a new space for us in divine friendship. A big dream to continue being in a space of family and loving companionship. Every day I will shape her, I will mold her, I will create her and she will be strong because she is strong. I focus on being diplomatic, cooperative, and loving to the best of my ability... Every breath of me expresses my gratitude for showing up for me, for my boys, for life, and for humanity. Each day I take little steps in writing about my wounds as I transition out of my comfort level in to the bold and the new.
"Here I am New Moon. Here I am Universe. I am listening, present, in gratitude to you. Here I am radically stepping out of my comfort level by sharing my vulnerabilities and baring my naked soul to the world in faith that I will be received in kind and highest good. Here I am speaking my Truth, telling the stories of emotional hurricanes that tore me to shreds. The truth is that I could have left at any time. Universe, you provided me many exit points if I ever felt that I could no longer tolerate the obnoxious toxicity. However, each time, I ignored the messages and stayed. I stayed because I was blind in my twisted love. I stayed because I feared being a single mother, I feared it so much that I trapped myself in constraints and restraints of my marriage. I stayed because I feared losing sexual intimacy with someone that I have already grown comfortable with despite the constant emotional pain resulted in my love for him. I stayed because I have always been aware that I’m eccentric and am not fond of the dating game; Scorpio V already knew all my quirkie-kookie-kooks - why would I trade him in for another man and what could possibly be even worse drama for me. I stayed because he was my first for everything and I was hoping he would be my only, that we would grow old together swinging on the porch of our future humble white house wrapped in hovering evergreen trees. I may love freely, but I do not fall in love easily, I was scared to be with another man, I was scared to start over. I scared myself into thinking that no other man could love me, who could love me? Who could love me and my three boys other than Scorpio V? I stayed because I didn’t believe in myself. The truth is, Scorpio V’s charts and numerology speaks about him having a very hard early life with many obstacles and turmoil in his path that he would need to overcome. The truth is Scorpio V would have had to learn these spiritual life lessons regardless of whether I was the woman who endured them or not. The truth is that each and every time for the past 19 years, I chose to be that woman to experience his pain with. I made the decision to sacrifice myself each time I chose to stay, but I am thankful that I was able to see him at his most vulnerable state and he at mine. Thankful that I could walk beside him through hell fire and come out the storm together – we came out evolved together. I am thankful that I was there through his peaks and valleys and that still, here I am, able to love because I know that if I can do that, if I can still hold pure love for someone that has bled my heart repeatedly, then I have learned the lessons of our time together. That if I can purely love free from bitterness, then I can love all my kind the same. The truth is that I lived in fear of my spiritual, creative, psychic gifts all my life and found a haven of protection in his arms - that I have been holding on to this piece since the last New Moon because I was scared to lose him. I was scared that by surrendering the painful words I write here, by releasing them into the world - that I would finally have to commit to leaving him, making it permanent. But I cannot lie, I have honestly needed him as much as he has needed me. SV gave me what love he could with what he knew, but I know now, I will not ever lose love because love lives in me. I am love and when I love, I love for always. I forgive. I set myself free. All I need is already a part of me.
For the past months, I have been nursing the sorrow of losses, of my conscious, yet painful decisions... I thought, though, that I would be fine because at least the boys had me and I had Sonny. Well, my 33 years on this terrestrial planet living in this human skin, I have experienced that Life is not always fair, but it is always for the good and I choose to revel in its beauty and divinity. It is divine how we are all connected and divine how the Universe seeks order and balance.
During Sonny’s last two weeks with us, he was not able to walk with the pep in his step that he was used to having, and in his final three days, he was no longer able to move his rear legs, and he held his bowels in the best he could. It was messy. It was real... I was losing my best friend. For 11 years he was all Tristan and I needed, but now he was ready to leave us... I had to put aside all selfish thoughts of, “How would I get by without my best friend?” All these years, he was what I held onto, he kept me grounded, but it had come time for him to leave his body. I laid by his side one last night on the floor beside his bed, holding his paw, resting my head next to his. I kissed his nose and gave him permission to be at peace because I knew he held on for me. He crawled into my lap despite all the physical obstacles and bodily limitations before him. He rested his head in my palms and stared into my eyes as he had many times before. I watched his light leave and his breath release. I was with him and he, with me. I sobbed on the floor for a time as I said my final goodbye. I gathered myself out the door and as I breathed in the fresh air, a grand gust of wind swirled around my body. I knew his spirit ran out beside me.
Sonny had been everything to our family. He served us well. He watched over all of us, and was trained to watch over the Rabbitry as well. It seems as though a predator took notice of his absence and attacked my herd of rabbits. None of them were physically hurt; they were taken in an instant of apparent heart attack (they’re naturally sensitive like that). In the following days, I noticed a hawk perching in the willow tree. In that moment, I knew what had happened. I knew that Sonny and our family of rabbits were together, and Sonny had the opportunity to continue his loyal, dutiful watch.
Sonny teaches me that I am ready. He teaches me that my love is more than enough. I am enough. I am strong. He teaches me that we are ready to begin on a new adventure and on our journey we will be ok. The lesson is learned. Thank you for believing in me first so that I could learn to believe in me too... Sonny, raising, loving, caring, and being your best friend was a happy heart investment in this life. Thank you for investing in me. You and our boys have been the calm of the storm that sought to lift me off my feet. For all your years you kept me focused and held in a space of love - in all my vulnerabilities, you stayed sitting in my lap or spooning cuddles in my bed. You cried with me and licked my tears away. You carried my heart with yours and brought out the best in me. You were my torchbearer and you made me realize that there was nothing wrong or broken with me - that, like you, I am pure love. I asked for love and Pure Love is what God gave me. God gave me you and our three boys.
I have lived millions of years to heal my karmic patterns. I have lived a Viking past life among many, many past lives… Soon after announcing the impending doom of my marriage, I was guided to watch a documentary on the history of Vikings by my Angels and Guides in order to glean the lessons from my elders: Go with the cosmic flow of the Universe, evolve or return to the belly of Mother Earth to be recycled and reincarnated again. It was believed that the Vikings disappeared because they could not adapt to their changing environment. Change can be a heart-racing word for those that associate it with the "Fear of the Unknown." Fear can freeze one in anxiety of what's to come, but “Growth”, on the other hand, sends a gentle bubble of positive vibrations which guides us into the concept of expansion. Now see, “Growth” and “Expansion” are friendlier terms for those of us that fear “Change”, right? I can do Growth and Expansion. Can you?
In times of Growth, the lands of our soul plane shifts. The ground changes in the rubble quakes beneath the plateau of our familiar time old rooted seats. What was once before is now no more. Growth, expansion, change asks us to clear ourselves of the rotten spoils that inhibit our hopeful seeds of happiness. We are asked to look at what needs to leave or what needs to transform with us as we lead into healthy ways of living on the rewards of our bounties. Letting go of what we once had taken comfort in knowing, despite its self-destructive presence foaming in our everyday lives, is not for the faint of heart. I, myself, have over the years, remained stubbornly steadfast in the plantings that weeded me weak.
Sonny came into my life at my weakest point at age 22. He showed me what pure love was and now his Spirit is free at my strongest divine best at 33 years of life. Sonny lived for 11 years; 11, 22, 33 – all are the Master Numbers. Sonny teaches me that I am ready to use my love, my light, my passion, my drive, and my desires to reach and serve the world. I take comfort in knowing that separation is only an illusion; he lives eternally in my heart as one. I focus on what is available to me today, always remembering that I am whole and loved by the Angelic Realm, the Higher Spiritual Realms, and by the Higher Universal Energies.
I forgive and empty myself of everything that keeps me from love. I relax in my human experiences, feeling the pain that helps me grow. I allow a time of healing old wounds, for renewal, and for profound positive transformation. Let the purification begin, cover me in a cosmic divine ocean where I am supported by the Light that birthed me. Let me rest in Your embrace with acceptance of my human nature and of the human nature in all of us. Allow me to clearly see the truth and emotions of humankind with love, light, and compassion, to be present to the humanness of our physical bodies. Let me be received by those that are brave to be vulnerable and that seek comfort in the soul of the heart; where they find their golden light within. Open me to receive love as freely as I give, to start over and live life for myself, to belong to me first. God, I surrender in Your Love. Let me love again. Unite, connect, and align me with my undivided undying true love. Let the man You have for me find me, let him see me, let him know me, let him be brave. As I wait peacefully, allow me to embrace my divine feminine, my sexy, my sexual prowess; to enjoy intimacy with myself first. With time, let me feel safe in his divine being that reflects your Divine beautifully. Help me to enjoy the changing seasons of my heart, to use my intuitive gifts in order to help myself and all the world. With Your hands, break all my karmic patterns so that I may share the parts of me I had once wished to intomb in a prison of invisible silence. Guide me with the love, light, and joy of Your compass, so that I may feel safe to be seen, and invest in me to fulfill my Dharma by the help of Your Angels, so that I may rest forever in Your bliss of peace.
Ah Seh Nai. Aum. Peace. Amen. Jai Guru. Jai Guru. Jai Guru.
Your eternal child,
I'll never be the same.
Prayer for our beloved Sonny
Oh Heavenly Father, Almighty God, we thank you for blessing me and the world with Sonny's wonderful presence. Through Your love and from Your grace, our divine friend was put on earth for a great purpose. Our very days were blessed by Sonny's presence in our lives and for this, we are infinitely grateful. Our hearts are released from the burden of sadness and of sorrow in knowing that Sonny is forever reunited in his true home in Heaven.
Through our love we welcome Your glory, help guide our beloved Sonny's spirit through the Light of Love and all that serves the highest good so that he may live in eternal peace visiting me freely. We thank you for the time You have given to us with Sonny, whom You sent directly from Your divine love. We thank You for his offerings and his teachings. We unite his being with Your perfect Love and Light with our deepest appreciation. Truly, we have been blessed. In the name of our Savior Lord Jesus Christ, we pray. We thank you, we thank you, and we thank you. Ah Seh Nai. Aum Peace. Amen. Jai Guru.