Dear angels of mine,
Change. It’s always happening. If I could take all your pain to spare you the heartache from the towering moments change can bring, I would, but in doing so I would keep you from feeling the lessons in the sorrow that reminds us what it is to love and to be alive.
Then there’s Life. A fascinating thing this thing called Life is. It’s always happening and my, my, my, how life has happened for us.
Then there’s Time. It’s always happening. Time waits for no one, they say, and if you can’t stand the pace, time leaves you behind.
Then there’s Losing. Losing is always happening. Sometimes we have to lose, they say, and boy-oh-boy have we lost some shit (and me, I have lost my shit sometimes).
My dear boys, they say you can’t possibly love someone you’ve never met, but it happens all the time every day because, like every mother with a growing belly knows, I knew each time that I loved you before our eyes met. I will always remember your words to me Reiker, “Mom, you can’t stop now.” And I won’t. Relax, babe. Don’t stress because despite the circumstances some things do not ever change. My love for you is eternal and undying. My love will not let go. I will not quit on us and leave you to feel alone. I want you to know that love does not lie. Only love is real, what is true remains, what is true belongs… and boys, our love belongs. We belong to each other.
They say life happens when you’re busy making plans. No more plans and no more haunted memories of pain. Wash away all burdens and leave it behind because it is already gone. You do not need it where we’re headed and it does not matter where we take this road because we are removing fear and embracing the unknown. This is our mystery and we’re moving on victorious (I’ve already decided). We’re not going to fight what is. We are trusting the process of what is and what is to come. We’re down to the three of us now, but this is not the end. Reiker and Mathias, this, us… this is the beginning of our story. This is our time to live and love the small moments that make life sweet and worth living. Open your heart and your arms to the surprise because the three of us are all going to take pleasure in what we do; we are doing all the things that makes us feel alive. You are going to grow and these pictures may burn out into the distance of your minds, but to me we are unforgettable. My love is going to keep this loving alive.
I will stop time for us, boys. Here, I will keep all the wonderfully silly memories we have made for ourselves frozen. When I have left this world, you will find this time capsule and know that there are no goodbyes when there is love and when you feel I am missing from you, trust Love’s infinite wisdom to guide you.
“There is no passion to be found playing small… in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”
- [Nelson Mandela]
I recall several weeks ago, you told me of your upcoming school play and that you wanted to be actors. To be famous. It made me giggle because that is the complete opposite of what Mommy was raised to believe for herself, but I have expanded my consciousness to understand that that may be what honors your pure spirit. And who am I to deny you the sweet madness of all that you are passionate about? Reiker and Mathias, do not settle. Do not play it small. Dare. Be bold. Take flight, soar, and make your dreams materialize. Go for it! Be an actor, an athlete, an entrepreneur, a designer, or a wild zookeeper. You have the power to decide what you experience. Go amass great wealth and fame if that is what nourishes your soul, and do it freely. Stand in your power and hustle, but always remember to be kind, always choose the most loving action, and please… please always remember to be true to who you are. Live the life of greatness you are capable of living. Mommy is here walking beside you all the way helping you to explore your vast potential, breathing life into the blaze of all your hopes and desires.
It was a very very Merry Christmas!!! Our entire 2018 was full of amazing treasures. Thank you little ones. Here’s to a Happy New Year!!!! Wishing “Us” a rich, indulgent, passionate life of present and future perfect bliss. Live and love in joyfulness and ecstacy. Mommy has your back and the Universe has ours. Trust and believe in magic and miracles… something wondrous and magical is about to happen. The future is Ours. Trust.
Your cheerleader and greatest fan,