I like it in the Middle and I like it Dirty.


“The attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.” - [Alan Watts]


I have experienced Love’s full spectrum and there is no denying it includes biting heartache. The kind of hurt that comes from being brought to the knees when the glamour of enchantments falls away. Alan Watts said, “This thing of death and of being transformed is the sensation of where our life has reached a certain point. Where we meet our edge. It is the verge of crisis and of the end and of the new all over again and you can laugh because there’s no way out. There’s no escape from the thing you most fear - of being swallowed by your deepest dredge - because there is no end where death always comes into life and you’re new all over again. Death transforms you into itself and then you are it when you become them.” My deepest dredge and I have been intimate with the feels over the years. I wondered when it would end if it would end at all. As I began to unfold it became clear, I have denied myself affection and it all happened subconsciously. I was always looking for somebody else to give value and meaning to my life and took how they treated me as my worth. There was something about me that attracted broken birds to my doorstep, and automatically, I wanted to fix them. I liked that they were broken… abandoned, left out in the cold, lonely like me. I was being taught a lesson by everything unwanted, by everything I hated, by everything I once feared.

Faith, letting go, surrender are all simplified terms for the divine art of trusting the "Universe’s Refinement Process of Development” - Life’s art of knowing when to hold on and when to let go. Once you have done everything you can to achieve what it is you wish to create, instead of pushing (the act of resorting to force in order to make things happen), it is crucial to let go any attachment to an outcome or result. In other words, instead of holding too tightly obsessing over possessing the object of your affection or the idea pictured in your head, it is time to ease up your chokehold grip and respect boundaries and limits.

In sports, we go in with surrender without giving it a second thought. Instinctively we know we are bound to get hurt and hurt others in the process, but it’s no big deal in this dynamic relationship of variables because after every knock and fall we get up and play ball. We go in giving it all we’ve got, aware that someone’s got to win and someone’s got to lose, but it doesn’t matter in the end because everyone actually wins when there is Love in the game. Heart, spirit, and sportsmanship is what it’s all about and makes the playing field worth the suffering.

“Never pretend to a love you do not actually feel, for it is not ours to command.” - [Alan Watts]

Be sharp in the dangerous game of love when affections are misplaced… what you tolerate teaches others how to treat you on the stage of their heartless game. The romantic stage is pretty much a sport clothed in sexy matter. You are putting yourself out there to take a chance on someone and sometimes it can go as far as wanting something so badly with this someone that it can feel like a sick cat-mouse chase. It is a painstaking risk when we put all our cards on the table and are left with the feeling of being disillusioned. Flashing sirens alert us that something is amiss, and Spirit is cautioning to pay attention to the red flags. You cannot see what is happening right under your nose when you are running the same speed as everything around you so take it slow. Force or resistance are indicators it is time for a review of everything laid before you. The block is Spirit’s way of reigning in the wild horses happening in both your engines and slowing the firetruck the fuck down to ask the tough question. What do you really want? Do you want to be stuck chasing an emotional drought of a relationship or do you want to be happy knowing that you can lay your head on something real when shit gets real?”

Love can be a meadow of toiled intention planted in romance until nature asks you to leave the seeds of ecstasy alone to rest. Buried there in the soil of darkness, our love is left until signs of new life reach for the company of light beneath the moon, her stars, and the heat of her beloved daylight. We all have feelings and we are all looking for a steady place to lay down and kick up our heels with someone we enjoy being with, but there will come a time of separation. The “break phase” can be a real crusher when it goes a different way, but it hurts worse to sell yourself short being half loved by an unavailable lover where there is no equal give and take. Time to part ways and give the one you love wings to fly… hold your arms up to the sky and spread open your palms to set both your hearts free. Become empty. Better to face your deepest dredge than pay with heartache for an escapist lover’s run for a different game.

“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” - [Alan Watts]


Love. It takes courage. You are on the checkerboard of earth, you are obliged to play, and you are going to get hurt. Love has consequences on her court, but time is only now and there is no time like the present. If you’re going to die in the end, don’t be cheap in life, have some spine and take it down. Get out of your head, let down your defenses. Sink that mind into your heart, anchor in the space of your soul and go full passion wild with it. Keep going for the chance. When that ball lands, hug it and put some hustle behind it. Burn that engine smack sweet all the way down the fucking middle. You won’t always make a basket but take the shot anyway. And there’s no guarantee you won’t get hurt, but if you do… get up! Dust your shoulders off, shine that money-maker, get that ball, and take the shot again.

Life is a creative process of development, development, development. Winning and losing are only a part of the game, but it wouldn’t be a game without it. Whether you choose to make life an opportunity to create meaning and make it an inspiring one is up to you. Whether you decide not to take on the responsibility of the world, good choice! There is no ego on this earth that can take on the responsibility of the world but the Infinite and at some point, one needs to understand that any extreme attempts to direct life and control it, is playing God. Whatever you do, take the shot and love, but do not fool yourself into thinking you can run away from your feelings. They say, “You can close your eyes from the truth, but you cannot close your heart from what you do not want to feel.” What’s the point of life if not to love and to feel? Lao Tzu said, “Being loved gives us strength” and Rumi said, “Find love beneath the pain."

It is said in each other we find ourselves, whether in sports, love, or whatever else, it is our meaningful relationships - our team - that makes life worth the experiences. People make mistakes, forget the mistakes. Remember the lessons, but forget the mistakes. Forgive the person or persons behind them with an understanding that every circumstance is about learning more about you in relation to everything else. Let yourself be okay with being sensitive and expressing your feelings with the experiences of your life. It is okay to review with a healthy understanding that you are only reviewing it, not reliving it. Facing what makes you feel uncomfortable and moving through the discomfort with grace, then pulling that booty out the proverbial pool of misery is you being a badass in maturity. Save yourself from falling in the trap of being miserable and wounded with the villains of the world and your losses by giving up the idea that you must be good at everything and everyone else must be good at everything too. While you’re on a roll, discard the idea that it’s your solemn duty to fix broken things. Quit the habit of control by trying to prevent others from making the same mistakes you did by robbing them of their ability to choose, learn, and grow. You may be right, but give the people you love the space to come to their own conclusions. We do not come into this world knowing everything there is to know and we won’t know if something will work out until we give ourselves - and it - a chance. Possibilities, chances, a butt-load of ‘maybes’ are the excitement of the unknown. Everyone deserves to fuck up and iron out their lives in their own sweet pace or be lucky and win in the love of their game. Point is, it’s their game and you’re not responsible for them - there are authorities that get paid to do that - so, say goodbye to worrying about making mistakes or the mistakes people make in the games they play. Be human. Surrender in full acceptance of human error, to yours and to that of others. Embrace all, exclude none. Don’t fight the river, but if you must fight, fight for each other.

“Every virtue is a mean between two extremes, each of which is a vice. Do not desire “too much” not to desire to stop desiring. Find the Middle Way.” - [Alan Watts]

What does that mean? Well, the Middle is, “Do not be too virtuous, do not be too wicked.” It is the Middle between opposites of ego and spirit, between heaven and earth, as above so below. The union of opposites, the heart of all that is. After all, Existence is a Relationship, it is all inclusive, it is involvement and participation of ‘Being’ in constant motion with each other and everything. The Middle is the eye of the storm where fear no longer is in opposition of Self and indulges love to consume the illusion of separation because as Alan Watts puts it, “Don’t be deceived. Like a crest and trough of a wave, the two are always together. There cannot be one without the other.” The Middle is Equanimity of Mind, where self finds reprieve in Oneness, where Self is no longer in bondage from duality and idle thoughts. It is the meeting of Yin and Yang in the middle, the divine feminine and masculine coming together in love with one another - a dance of, I win, then you win… and back and forth and back and forth in harmony. It is the moment of being brought together with Self to the point where one catches up with One’s inner being and can accept it completely. Right there in the Middle is the sweet spot of achievement where you have peace of mind because it is in that space that you are a living, breathing synergy of unconditional love where nothing is neither acceptable or unacceptable, an advantage or disadvantage. Where ‘Being’ simply is.

Truth, Honesty, Love has consequences. Standing and going at it alone leaves you at risk of being rejected and unpopular by the social stratosphere of competition and comparison, but I am born to do this. I do not run from who I am, what has happened to me, or what I have done. I am not deceived by false fronts. I look directly upon the face of a terrifying reality and I see beneath. I tread fluidly through the depths and explore taboos where healing, once dormant, is now found. I see into the heart of all things and invoke mental clarity in those unprotected, frightening places. I move in the darkest gateways where others fear to tread what is off limits and compassionately guide through the mysteries of life. I offer the gift of transformation and the beginning of a new cycle where death inspires divine light of the future and earth’s fertility is allowed to expand again. I do not need permission to be who I am. I am animal, always present and I am divine, always sacred. I am Unity where everything is a part of me and I am a part of everything.


We all need a little darkness to grow and in the embrace of the shadow, the chaos of those scary places… the quiet conversations in the bank of my senses… I have found healing through fear. I am so much more than what people had me believe and learning to love me for my credits and discredits has put me on course with the budding expression of my nature… in absolute acceptance of my design. Emancipated from mental slavery, all opposing internal and external chatter of prickly thoughts and feelings are tuned out into radio silence. I only see love. Love has changed my direction in how I see myself and the whole in connection with the material and esoteric plane. I have loved, and I have paid for it and still, I love again. Out of love, pain, and passion on both ends of the stem, I have become what I have been looking for… it was always me. I am the True Love I seek. I am the One. I am now finished with the lessons of the world unaffected by fear. My freedom to be happy has been well earned and am using the duration of my existence in balance with the wisdom I have gained by playing a superior game called, “The Dirty Middle”. It’s a game of “Do not be too virtuous, do not be too wicked, but do be entirely dirty.”

I live in the power of wonder and awe honoring my senses and how I want to feel in the moment. And, I’m feeling sexy. My body and spirit are strong and willing. Now secure, solid in my skin, I am ready to share the part of me I have kept to myself - my shadow, my opposite, my Yin, my animal. The Queen’s claws are open for the slash and I’m not afraid to scratch my way through the hunt. I accept my primal divine with unprejudiced objectivity and love. There is no pretending; this feline is dark, dirty, and dignified. My material body is not my enemy. My body keeps me a part of Maya, anchored into the beauty of Her natural world. My animal holds a hidden value and I shall not condemn or oppress it any longer. I let my freedom beast, let her rogue, pour dirty, indulge me completely. I create my way of more lace, a splash more of “as-i-effn-bleeping-please” and a whole lotta skin… and ass. Yes. Cheers to skin and to an a-bun-dance of bass. I am digging in and getting dirty; dirty in play, dirty in creation, dirty in emotions, dirty in experiences, dirty in explorations, dirty in sensations, dirty in relationship, dirty in the hunt. Welcome to the untamed - to the sweet melting softness of my middle - the crest and trough of my wave.

In love, in spirit, in sportsmanship,

Dirty Nov

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” - [Bob Marley]

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